My healing journey was now ready to go on to the next level after attending a coaching course, continually using the coaching processes on myself and then spending 4 days in a tent, in a room going through layers and layers of trauma on a neurological level.
The next step was to go and see a shaman.
I remember being on the central coast, NSW, visiting my family and sitting by the ocean thinking to myself… I need to see a Shaman, I wonder if there are any Shamans around here who I can see, while I am here this week.
I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and heard the waves crashing down beside me, as I opened up google and typed… Shamans near me.
A Shaman that was 30 minutes from where I was came up in the search and so I sent him an email and booked in to see him, in 2 days time.
2 days had gone by and it was time for me to go and see the Shaman.
I jumped in my mum's partner's white van in which I had borrowed and began to drive to see this Shaman.
I was nervous and unsure what this experience was going to bring for me, as I drove closer to my destination the sun began to set and glimpses of the night sky started to show themselves.
Following my GPS I ended up at the top of a dead end street that was in the bush and had to turn right onto a dirt ride. It was windy, bumpy and started to get my heart racing.
Where the fuck am I gong I thought to myself.
Who is this guy?
5 minutes (which seemed like an hour) driving down the dirt road I end up at a house, and so pull the van up out the front, hop out of the car and walk toward the front door.
I was greeted by this huge man who was 6 foot 5, wearing an akubra hat, dry as a bone jacket, boots and carrying some form of native blanket under his arm.
Come and follow me… In a deep voice he said.
Follow him I did, but not without hesitation.
We walked down a hill and off into the bushes… At this point in time I was shitting myself and creating escape plans in my head.
We came to a big round flat piece of dirt, which had tree stumps going around this dirt in a circle and as we come through the trees and walked to the left of this dirt cycle (which I later learnt was a medicine wheel) I seen what looked like ashes in the bush and a shovel stood against the tree.
Is he going to kill me?
Do I pick up the shovel and kill him before he kills me?
Do I just run?
All these thoughts were running through my head.
Your father abandoned you… The giant shaman said.
Yes… I answered.
Well, come on into the circle with me… he said.
As I entered the circle, he asked me to turn and face a certain direction, before putting his hand up to the sky and saying calling out to spirit.
This was weird and made me continue to consider where the fuck I was and what I was doing there.
The shaman snapped me out of these thoughts, by asking me to touch all the tree stumps once and then sit on the one which resonated with me the most.
I walked around slowly feeling which stump resonated with me the most, before taking a seat on the stump.
Once on the stump we had a brief conversation about my father and how he abandoned me, before the shaman asked if I was ready to let go of the anger.
He then proceeded to walk over and grab a rock out from the bush and place it in my hands.
I want you to shut your eyes and try and push me over, while putting all the anger into the rock.
And, so I began to push against this massive shaman and then he started saying stuff to me like…
You were good enough to be my child.
You're a piece of shit.
You're to fucking weak to deal with your anger.
And it went on and on.
I felt as though I couldn't possibly try and push him over any more or put any more anger in the rock, to the point where I gave up.
You're going to let me win, let your father win and rule your life? The shaman said.
Within an instance, I was full of anger wrestling to push him to the ground again.
Shortly after this moment, we stopped, swung the rock from left to right and right to left in my arms 3 times, before releasing the rock and the anger into the bush.
I felt a huge sense of lightness come over me.
We, then sat on the tree stumps to talk a little about my experience and what had been released, before we walked out of the bush, to the front of his home, where he gave me a big bear hug. This was the first time I had been able to properly hug a male and feel safe.
You will discover why I didn't feel safe being hugged by a male, when I share my deeper traumas shortly.
So, in the van I got and drove off into the darkness all the way back to my family home.
After my healing with the shaman, I still didn't feel right, in fact I still felt lost, unsure and had plenty of chatter going on in my head.
Who am I?
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
And then it imprinted deeper…
My purpose was to help underprivileged boys deal with their trauma, just as I had dealt with my trauma.
So, off I went and put all my energy and time into how I was going to go about this, meanwhile still doing the inner work on myself.
This venture led me to being introduced to a lady, who a new friend of mine felt I would resonate with and could collaborate with.
I remember driving onto his ladies property for the first time and being hit by a wave of emotion as soon as I entered her property and at the time I couldn't understand why.
I would drive in the gate, where I would see wine vines in front of me and a lake to the left just beyond the vines and as I turned around the bend to the left I could see a big double story off into the distance.
As I drove along the path toward the house, I was having to take deep breaths in and out to deal with the sadness mixed with anger which was coming up for me.
Driving over a small wooden bridge, which went across a calm lake and looking off to the right and only seeing trees, water and grass off into the distance supported in settling the emotions.
I would pull the vehicle up at the house and be greeted by a beautiful woman, who would allow me into her home and make me a nice warm tea which we would sit in front of the warm fire and have a conversation about our lives, our work and how we could potentially support each other, before jumping on the golf cart and taking a tour of the property.
As we toured the property, this beautiful lady would share with me how the property had a volcanic rock tower, which energised the soil and land. There were copper spirals around the land which connected to this volcanic rock and special items in certain positions to create good Feng Shui for the property.
As we got to the volcanic tower I could feel the power of it. It was magnifying through me so much that I felt uncomfortable. Internally I was having a battle.
I can't do this and need to get out of here, I would say.
Followed by… Stay strong and work through it.
This went on for what felt like hours, but was only 15 minutes.
We left the volcanic rock and headed back to the house.
The sun began to set and so we started saying our goodbyes, when all of a sudden…
I had this urge to experience the healing work in which this lady practised.
The healing modality she practised had been learnt over 4 years in the USA under the guidance Barbara Brennan.
It sounded interesting and felt as though it was something I had to experience.
When I came back to visit this lady 2 weeks later I experienced a healing and it was the most powerful thing I had ever experienced.
As I laid on the healing table looking up at the ceiling, before closing my eyes, my head would begin to wonder.
Then, all of a sudden I would get these sharp pains in my stomach, just under my left rib cage.
I would take deep breaths in and out to breath out the pain.
The pain would soon jump into my gut area, then my legs and later my head.
WTF was this lady doing to me!?
As the healing came to an end I felt relaxed and at ease…
That was until I got in my car to leave.
But, before getting into my car to leave I sat down with the lady for a debrief on what had occurred during the treatment.
As she was sharing with me what had happened, I noticed her getting very shaky and anxious, which led her to saying to me.
I don't normally do this with clients, however we have created more of a relationship, so I want to invite you inside to chat further about your treatment over a cup of tea.
Hmmm what is going on here I thought.
As we got inside, heated up the tea and sat on the couch to chat, the lady began sharing with me a story about a friend of hers.
This lady friend of hers had come for a treatment with her 3 years ago.
This lady had it all going for her… The house, the business, the body, the money, the husband pretty much the life that many aspire to live.
But, during her treatment, there was something inside of her which wasn’t right.
The healer had shared with her that there was something deep within her that needed to be expressed urgently.
So, off this lady goes back into her luxurious life with a message that she needs to express something deep within her urgently.
6 months goes past and this lady hasn’t discovered what she needs to express, in fact she has just ignored the messaged and continued on with her life.
12 months since the treatment goes past and this lady is diagnosed with leukemia.
2 years have passed and now this lady is dead.
She was only in her mid 40’s and to the outside this was a shock as she was seen to be extremely healthy.
NOW FOR THE BOMBSHELL!!!
Your body is in the same state as this lady was when she first saw me for a treatment.
My jaw dropped, my head went into overdrive and I was lost for words.
Then, she said…
So, whatever is deep within you that you need to express, I invite you to express it.
Not too soon after I was in my car driving out of her property internal saying…
What do I need to express?
What do I need to express?
What do I need to express?
This would go on for the whole 45 minute drive back to my home.
As I got home, I opened my front door and walked down the long hallway to my lounge room.
I continued to ask myself… What do I need to express?
10 minutes would go by and still no answer.
15 minutes would go by and still no answer.
20 minutes would go by and still no answer.
Fuck it, that lady is full of shit. I said to myself.
And, in that instant when I stopped asking myself what I needed to express and let it go, the flood gates would open.
I would end up sitting on my couch bent forward balling my eyes out.
Tears would flow out of me, like I had never experienced before.
My arms would begin to shake.
My legs would begin to shake.
My head would begin to shake.
And, now my hold body was shaking.
WTF is going on I thought to myself.
I can't handle this…
I don't feel safe…
I need to ring my ex partner.
And, so I rang my ex partner, explained the situation and asked if I could go to her house.
All the time I could not stop crying and shaking.
As I sat on my ex partners couch trying to talk with her, I started to get these memories pop into my head. Memories, so vivid it was like I was there again.
I would feel all the feelings again…
And much more.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing right in front of my eyes.
I couldn't stop the tears or shaking.
I remember saying to my ex partner, while putting my arm out straight… Look how much I am shaking.
You're not shaking, she said.
She was right!
To the eye, I wasn't shaking, but when I asked her to put her hand on my arm, she quickly said.
Shit! You are shaking a lot.
The shaking was happening internally.
After crying and shaking myself to sleep for a few hours on her couch, I got myself together and drove home the next morning.
As I drove home, I was questioning what I had seen and experienced.
It was so vivid and so traumatic.
Did this really happen to me, I would ask.
Am I making it up?
Well, there was only 1 way to find out I thought.
The only way to find out was to ask my mum.
Because, mums have the answer to everything right?
I grabbed my phone and called my mum.
She didn't answer.
I immediately started writing a text to my mum, which went like this...
Mum, I had a healing yesterday and after the healing I had these 3 memories come up…
I was in a room with you that was very dark and enclosed. I was around 4 years old. I was seated on a chair in the corner of the room, which faced a bed. As I looked over at the bed all I could see was you being sexually abused by a man. This would go on and on and on. Then I saw you meeting nan at the front door of this house and saying goodbye to me. As you were saying goodbye the man was behind the door where nan couldn't see him, holding a machete up as if he was going to kill you.
I had been sexually abused by my father, when I was around 4 too. I didn't see any penetration, just inappropriate touching and getting me to suck his penis.
I was in the bed with you and father and had him putting a pillow over my head, suffocating me. I was around 18 months old. As he was doing this all I could hear were the words… If you don't have sex with me now, I will suffocate him to death.
Are you aware of any of this being true?
Instantly after sending the message, my mum was calling me.
How did you know all that, she said.
So, it's true, I asked?
Yes, the first one was a guy called Alan, who I managed to escape from and luckily, because he ended up getting caught for what he was doing and going to jail. He had killed and buried a woman in his backyard.
The second one, I was only talking to my boss at work about last week and asking her whether I should tell you. You came home and told me about it, so we reported it to the police. I didn't want to tell you as I was scared how it would affect you. That's such a huge relief on me now too, that you know.
The third one happened many times, but he knew it would work, because I loved you so much and would do anything for you.
After the phone call with mum I felt this sense of lightness and closure. I could also feel the relief and joy in mums voice knowing that I now knew.
I stopped to ponder…
How amazing is my mind and body, to be able to protect me from that for my whole life.
I never believed in healing, but after what has happened in the last 24 hours, I know it is real.
I want to know how to do this now.
This is magic.
And, straight away I was on my computer sending an email to the shaman and the healing lady to enquire about the courses they did.
I was mind blown and inspired to delve into what was the magical world of healing.
But, before I was able to dive into the magical world of healing, I had an encounter with an angry male spirit who wanted to kill me in my own home.
To be continued.