The opportunity was provided to me by a lady I had recently met.
As she shared with me the opportunity my guts began to churn and I started to feel anxious and nervous.
If I was to do this it would be way out of my comfort zone.
I didn't know what I was in for, however it was clear that I had to take up this opportunity and move through my fears.
So, I took up the opportunity…
The opportunity was to attend a 2 day self development event called The Turning Point Intensive. It was truly a turning point, a brutal turning point, which you will read about later.
The day arrives for me to attend this event. I get up, have a shower, eat my breakfast and say goodbye to my partner at the time. (She had question marks over me attending this event) I understood why later.
As I got out my front door at 8:00am on a Saturday morning and started my car, I began to have second thoughts and the voice in my head started to echo…
Why am I going to this event? It's probably going to be a time waster, maybe I should just not go.
You don’t want to be around a bunch of weirdos
And so on…
But, I continued to turn on the car and drive to the event.
As I drove down the main street, it was a ghost town, as though it was just me on the road.
This had my head ticking more and more.
I arrived at the venue, registered and sat in the corner by myself seeing more and more people walking in to register. As I looked around I didn't want anyone to talk to me or come near me, I was so out of my comfort zone.
And, then the thought came to me…
What If I see someone I know here, what will I say?
We were then invited to enter the room and take our seats.
There were around 150 people at this event.
As the presenter began, I sat there nervously, palms sweating, thinking WTF am I in for here?
But, it wasn't that bad, In fact I felt comfortable by the first break and was enjoying what I was hearing.
As Day 1 finished up, I was excited to go back again the next day.
I arrived on Day 2 full of energy and excitement for what was to come.
Day 2 went much the same as Day 1, in that I enjoyed it and was now sitting at the edge of my seat with intense focus on what the presenter was saying.
As I listened in, he mentioned a scholarship program in which they were going to provide and that if you were interested to hang around at the end.
The end came and I was still there hoping to win the scholarship.
The presenter had offered courses earlier, in which I would have loved to have done, however I didn't have the finances to commit.
So, he shares with us what the scholarship includes, before asking us to take a piece of paper each, but we couldn't look at it, we had to hold onto it and all look at it at the same time, however first we had to walk up the back of the room, put our hands on our hearts and close our eyes as he would guide us through a journey, before us being able to open the paper to see if we had won the scholarship.
The scholarship included 3 courses which were a coaching course, a self healing course and a sales course, which cost $15,000.
I opened my eyes and then we were advised that we could open the piece of paper.
As I opened the piece of paper, I felt this pull as though I was going to win the scholarship, In fact I had to win it, as this was exactly what I needed.
And, then I opened it.
Inside it read…
$1,500… My brain went Yes, Yes, Yes. I can find a way to get $1,500 to do all these courses.
But, I had not yet read or processed what was underneath it.
Underneath where it said $1,500 it said OFF.
So, now the courses were $13,500 for all of them.
I then felt this sense of disappointment, before the thought of… How can I make it work? I need to do this, I am just being so strongly pulled. What is my partner going to say if I go home and mention that I have committed to $13,500 when I don't have that money?
And, in that instant I remembered!
A guy who I had done some work with to turn his business around from over $1 million in debt to be profitable within 6 months, still owed me $10,000 and was due to pay me some more in the next week.
However, I still had a problem.
The $1,500 off was only retainable on the day.
What was I to do?
Should I just walk away, as I don't have the money anyway, I thought to myself.
Instantly I heard a loud NO, inside my head, followed by… You have to find a way.
Many ideas and possibilities kept running through my head, until finally I just went up to one of the presenters team members and said to them...
“Look I don't have the money right now, however I really want to do this and know that I can have the money by the end of the week. Is there anything that could be done?”
Yes, this lady answered. If you pay a $500 deposit today, we can hold this price for 3 days.
I had $503 on my credit card.
So, I agreed to her proposal.
Shit, this is a gamble I thought, as the $500 deposit was non refundable and I didn't know when Joe was going to pay me, let alone how I was going to pay for all the courses.
I was scared and excited at the same time.
Then all of a sudden worry and fear set in.
Not about the potential of losing my deposit or getting the $13,500 in 3 days, but the worry of what my partner was going to say.
She was already unhappy that I had walked out on the business, leaving me with little to no money against my name.
My worry would turn into reality as I arrived home and handed her a letter from the course that was a letter to the partner, explaining what I had just committed to.
She looked at me in shock and disbelief.
This crushed my heart and tore me in 2 pieces.
Yes, it would look as though it was a rash and illogical decision at the time, however I just knew I had to do it.
It was pulling me between doing what felt right for me and doing what was right for others.
This pulling would go on for 12 months as I focused on bettering myself, while my partner would not approve or agree with what I was doing.
It would get to the point where we decided it would be best for her and her daughter to move out and for us to just focus on ourselves.
At the time I was heartbroken, I was lost and constantly stirring about whether the right decision had been made.
I would feel relieved, sad, angry, lost, lonely, happy, motivated and beaten all in the same day.
Life was a rollercoaster…
Now, let's rewind back to the courses, in which i had managed to get the money together, by chasing Joe, receiving the money and via a company in the UK who I did a week’s work with for $10k.
The courses helped me to remove some pretty heavy trauma (As I look back now, it was only surface stuff), the most notable trauma…
My father killed me at 2 years old.
Yep, he threw me in the pool, held my mother back from saving me and let me drown.
It wasn't until I stopped kicking that he let my mother go.
She jumped in the pool and pulled me out, to resuscitate me, but it wasn't working.
It wasn't until the ambulance arrived and placed defibrillators on my chest that I would come back to life.
This was the moment that allowed my mother to finally get the courage to move on from my father.
He would emotionally and physically abuse her consistently, but it wasn't until he took me to death that she would leave him.
Releasing this trauma allowed me to take a step toward healing myself and reconnecting with a part of me which had been lost and abandoned for so long.
Seeing the images and feeling the feelings of me at 2 years old going through this trauma was painful, daunting and fucking scary…
But, I did it!
Little did I know at the time, that releasing this trauma was just the beginning of dealing with some huge traumas that I had experienced through my life.
It wasn't until I saw a healer after the course in early 2016 that unimaginable traumas began to show themselves to me.
Traumas that would buckle my knees and send me straight to the ground in tears.
To be continued…